She’s foxy, has a good job and apartment, isn’t clingy and doesn’t constantly text you asking what you are up to. Oh, and she’s stellar in bed and knows how to please you in ways you never dreamed possible. She is the older woman, aka the “cougar”, and here is what you need to know before you start dating her.
The Taboo of Older Women Dating Younger Men
When Catherine Zeta Jones married Michael Douglas, no one gave it much attention. Older men dating younger women is commonplace in our society. But when Ashton Kutcher began dating Demi Moore, a woman 15 years older, the media went into an uproar. Even in today’s world of sexual openness, older women dating younger men is still taboo.
Why is it so shocking for an older woman to date a younger man?
The popular theory is that it has to do with our genetics. Women mature earlier than men, and are most fertile when they are still in their early 20s. By contrast, men are still on a hormonal rollercoaster in their 20s and don’t settle down and become good “daddy material” until much later (hence the adage “men better with age”). Since men can have children well into their 60s, there is no biological clock ticking for them.
Or, as Oprah Magazine explained the taboo of older women dating younger men,
“Our culture’s discomfort with reversing the norm of the younger woman-older man dynamic may come from a deep-rooted evolutionary instinct driving women to choose the older, wiser, more powerful alpha male over the untested young buck.”
This is why men typically prefer younger women, and women prefer older men. Studies have found this trend across all cultures and societies worldwide.
But this is starting to change.
Many women today are choosing not to have children at all. And then there are all those hormone treatments which are allowing women to have children later. So, the biological component of older women dating younger men is starting to matter less.
Celebrity Examples of Older Women Dating Younger Men
- Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher (15 year age difference)
- Sharon Stone and Martin Mica (27 year age difference)
- Madonna and Guy Ritchie (10 year age difference)
- Kathy Griffin and Randy Bick (20 year age difference)
- Adrienne Maloof and Rod Stewart’s Son (19 year age difference)
- Eva Longoria and Tony Parker (7 year age difference)
- Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (18 year age difference)
- Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry (9 year age difference)
- Julianna Moore and Bart Freundlich (10 year age difference)
- Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon (10 year age difference)
- Geena Davis and Reza Jarrahy (15 year age difference)
Today’s Women Want a Younger Man
Not that long ago, women had pretty much zero options for career choices and had a tough time surviving in society without a husband (consider that women couldn’t do many things like get a credit card before the 1970s!). So, it isn’t surprising that women were tying themselves to older men who could offer security.
In 1950, the average age of first marriage for women was 20. By 2010, this number had soared to 26. Since women can have their own careers and have many more rights, there is no need for young women to seek out an established older man. Instead, older women have begun to reverse the trend and are looking for younger men. One study found that 70% of women over 35 years would like a younger man. Another study found that women were 5x more likely to show interest in a man on online dating sites if he was 5 years younger than her.
Why Older Women Want Younger Men
If you’ve watched an episode of Masters of Sex recently, then you know how ignorant we were of women’s sexuality in the past. Heck, no one even knew about the clitoris back then (and many men still don’t…). Now we know that women have their sexual peak in their 30s or 40s, whereas men peak in their 20s. Considering this, it is no surprise that older women want a younger man who can please them. Apparently, younger men try harder to please women than their older peers, and they also have a lot more stamina.
In 2008, a study came out in the journal Psychology of Women Quarterly. It found that women in relationships with men 10 or more years younger were more satisfied than women with men their same age or older. Why is this? The sex obviously has something to do with it. But, as one woman dating a younger man pointed out, younger men grew up after the feminist movement. They don’t think twice about being with a woman who has her own career and younger men aren’t fazed by things like helping with household chores, cooking, and childcare.
Younger men are a lot less likely to have baggage like ex wives and kids. For an older woman who wants her freedom and to have fun, this can be important.
They Don’t Want Serious Relationships
Contrary to common belief, all older women aren’t frantically looking to settle down, get married, and have kids. This is especially true of recently-divorced older women who just want to have fun, have a few hot flings, and focus on themselves for a while before getting back into a serious relationship. The more carefree-oriented lifestyle of younger men is appealing for these older women.
Across the net, one of the reasons women give for wanting to date younger men is fun dates. Apparently, men their own age just take them to boring restaurants and then back home to bed for bland sex, after which they immediately fall asleep without a round 2.
Why Men Want to Date Older Women
Forget all of those naïve virginal girls! Older women have experience and know what they like. This translates into older women being better in bed. Better yet, older women know what men want and aren’t afraid to deliver. Got any fetishes you’ve been wanting to try out? An older woman won’t be scared away like a younger woman. Chances are the older woman has a few fetishes too, and you could learn a lot from her!
If you have even the slightest bit of experience dating, then you know how dramatic girls can be because of all of their fears and insecurities. They will freak out if you don’t call them, play games, and a few have even been known to cry after sex. While there are certainly dramatic older women, most older women have their shit together. They know what they want, what they expect, and aren’t afraid to tell you outright.
Don’t Move in Herds
As The Date Report points out, younger women tend to travel in herds. If you want to ask a younger girl out, she’s got to check it with 15 of her friends first. Older women have friends, but they don’t need constant approval from them, and they definitely don’t need permission!
Compared to fresh 20 year olds, older women have better jobs, better apartments, and more money to spend. This means men don’t have to worry about the woman being a gold digger, nor do they have to feel the pressure of providing for her. Don’t be surprised if the older woman wants to “pamper you” by paying for dinner or buying you that new suit you need for your job interview.
Tired of listening to stupid conversations about what color skirt looks best with that purse? Then an older woman will come as a breath of fresh air. Mature women have often moved beyond the material world and focus on important topics. Their maturity also means they are a lot better and enjoying the moment instead of stressing over details.
Cons of Older Women Dating Younger Men
As much as we like to say things like “only love matters,” the truth is that outside factors can have an influence on our relationships, such as in interracial dating. With older women dating younger men, you’ll have to keep these potential downsides in mind.
According to Freud, men unconsciously want to have sex with their moms. This draws men to women who will take care of them, be it financially or emotionally. In most cases, this would mean an older woman. These types of relationships are doomed because the woman ends up being a sugar mama, or a caregiver, rather than the two being equal partners in a healthy relationship.
You Have Nothing in Common
It might seem like you two have everything in common from your political affiliations to your love of pancakes. But how are you two going to pair up when she is deciding which IRA investment plan to follow and he is deciding what bar to go to tonight?
Even either partner in an age-gap relationship wants children, it can be really problematic. For a woman in her 30s or older who is dating a younger man and wants children, the biological clock will be tick-tocking loudly. For a man dating an older women in her 40s or older, it might be too late for the woman to have children.
Too Much Baggage
Older women might be more mature and experienced, but all of that often comes at the price of lots of baggage. Men dating older women will need to be prepared to handle ex husbands, children, frantic schedules, and maybe some emotional issues from failed relationships as well.
It is Just a Fling
When older women and younger men are dating, oftentimes it is just a fun fling. This is okay if both partners realize it is a fling, but often one of the pair is hoping for something more serious.