If you want your spouse to change, the first thing you need to do is by starting to accept them for who they are. People will only change when they feel they’re liked, loved and accepted the way they are. When people think they’re disliked, unappreciated, and criticized, they’ll resist any changes. Why? Because they feel like they’re under siege and will do anything to protect themselves.
Instead of criticizing your girlfriend or boyfriend, remind yourself of all of the things you love and appreciate about him or her, and share those things with them. Be genuinely interested in understanding why they see and do things that are different than you. Appreciate, respect and even celebrate what makes each of those differences unique. Sure, you’ll stumble across some traits that should never be tolerated in a relationship, like addiction, abuse, or infidelity.
Below are four things you can consider doing when you want your partner to change. Rather than fixing issues in your relationship, these changes will make your relationship better.
- Be A Better Spouse
Most people remain in unhappy relationships with the innate desire to change their partner. However, no change will take place, if you don’t free yourself from the pattern you’re stuck in. The change will only come from the bottom up. It means change should come from the partner who is in the most pain, or has the least power, or has compromised or lost too much in the relationship.
- Focus On The Problems At Hand
When you fully focus on changing your spouse, you lose the opportunity to work together and figure out a solution. If you with this approach you’re no longer on the same team. Instead, focus on the problems on hand that will satisfy you and your partner’s needs. Anger and resentment in the relationship are generally a manifestation of hidden hurt, fear, and frustration. So, focus on expressing your thoughts and feelings in a vulnerable way that appeals to your girlfriend or boyfriend to understand your pain, instead of pushing them away.
- Accept Responsibility
We should take responsibility on how our words and actions make our partner feel. Be responsible for the problem and apologize to your spouse, even if the problem is insignificant. It will promote forgiveness, validate their feelings, and will allow both of you to move on.
- Don’t Blame Anyone While Complaining
One of the primary reasons for divorces is criticizing your partner. Criticism is different from voicing a complaint. When you criticize someone, you’re basically attacking the core of a person’s character. On the other hand, when you complain about someone, the complaint focuses on a specific behavior of a person. Successful couples, instead of complaining, talk to each other about their feelings in a positive viewpoint and assure each other that they’re both doing the best they can. They don’t talk about what they do not need. By becoming better friends, you can create a healthy, secure bond that will help you resolve and handle challenging moments together. This is much more fruitful than believing that you want your spouse to change. Instead of attempting to change your significant other, be the change you want to envision in your relationship.