Texting has become a basic part of our lives and how we communicate, and it has also become an integral part of dating. So, sorry to break it to you guys, if you don’t know how to flirt with a girl over text, your dating game is going to seriously suffer. The good news is that flirting over text can be learned. And, for all you shy guys, flirting with text is easier to learn than in-person dating skills like bantering.
Most Important Texting Advice: DON’T OVERDO IT!
This is the most important thing you need to remember about flirting with a girl over text. If you send too many text messages (even if she is responding), you run the risk of annoying the other person, seemingly cling, or desperate.
Worse, you run the risk of seeming boring. After all, only a guy with no life would have time to text back and forth all day.
There is a lot of talk about the timing of your texts, but no one has really gotten into the issue of how many texts is too many. I’d say that any more than 10 to 20 texts per day is probably too many, or no more than 3 flirty text sessions in a day, each consisting of about 15 minutes worth of text banter. If you are texting more than that, it is probably time to get off your phone and call the girl, or set up a date already.
Tip: Have an obvious “cut off” text
To flirt with a girl over text, you need to write texts which incite her to respond (more on this later). Once you’ve succeeded in flirting with her, then send a text which is obviously a last text of the session. Something along the lines of, “Going to bed. Will be thinking of you” is a good example.
Have a Texting Goal
This is the next most important thing to remember when flirting with a girl over text. Unless you just want her to be your text girlfriend forever (which I’m assuming you don’t), then you need to have an ultimate goal for texting.
To give you an idea of what I mean, here are some goals you might have when texting your girl:
- Get her to go on a date with you
- Build up sexual tension (such as before a date)
- Explore her boundaries (such as by making jokes about threesomes to see how she responds)
If you have this ultimate goal in mind, then you are less likely to make a texting mistake like sending too many texts or coming off as insincere.
The First Text
The first text is the absolute most important as it opens the door for flirting. If you send a boring text message like “How are you?”, it isn’t exactly going to get the girl excited about text flirting with you.
Don’t get too stressed about what the first text says though. As RSD Nation points out, texting is secondary to your in-person interactions with the girl. “If the girl loves you already, then you can text almost anything. If the girl is wondering why the hell she gave you her number, almost nothing will work. Good texting is a continuation of a good interaction between people who like each other, not a means to make a girl like you.”
Here are some tips to help you craft the perfect first text to a girl:
1. Use an inside joke or shared experience.
Since texting is about building on past interactions, a really good way to start text flirting with a girl is to mention something from your time together, such as an inside joke.
So, if you are texting a girl who you just met last night at a party, you might text something like, You might have ruled the dance floor last night, but just wait until I show you my salsa moves! 😉
Or, if you are texting a girl after a first date, then you might text something like, Had a great time last night. Can’t get the image of you in that red dress out of my mind.
Mentioning details about the date (like something she said or what she was wearing) is always a good move because it shows that you were paying attention to her and find her special.
2. Make it fun for her.
The worst way to start texting a girl is to bore her.
For example, texting “How are you?” or “What are you up to?” is NOT going to get her excited to answer you. Plus, these questions are so broad that answering will feel like a chore.
By contrast, look at this text: “I just realized who you look like: Julia Roberts. Except prettier.” In just a couple short lines, you’ve flattered the girl and shown that you are thinking of her. What girl wouldn’t love getting that text?
3. Texts should invoke a reply.
Flirting is a TWO-WAY exchange. If you send a text to a girl which doesn’t evoke a reply, then you are never going to get going with the flirting.
For example, texting “Thinking of you” might seem like a nice thing to do, but it isn’t going to incite a response from her. If you do get a response, it will probably just be “Me too” – and good luck finding a clever, flirty way to respond to that!
To ensure your first text gets a reply, try including a question in it. And I don’t mean texting some boring banality like “How are you?”
For example, if you are texting a girl before a first date, just texting, “wine or cocktails?” will start getting her excited.
Or, you might text a girl you’ve dated a couple times by writing, “Quick: strawberries or chocolate? I need something sweet until I see you again ;)”
If she is flirty, she’d probably respond with “strawberries AND chocolate”. There are all sorts of ways that this text flirting could go, like:
You: I see you are a girl who likes to indulge in the good things in life!
Her: I can’t help it if I know how to enjoy myself.
You: Well, why don’t you come over and we’ll find a way to enjoy them together? 😉
Her: I’ll bring the champagne. You get the whipped cream.
Know When to Ask Her Out
If you are texting a girl you just met, then your goal is probably to get her to go on a date with you. So, it is really important that you suggest a date at the right moment before all the excitement from the flirting fizzles out.
One texting expert recommends asking her out the moment she laughs at your text (like responding with “hahaha”). This makes sense because, if you keep text flirting after the haha’s, then you risk running on too long and boring her.
Alternatively, invite her out the moment she expresses interest in something you are doing. It can literally be anything. Like in the strawberries and chocolate example above. It might seem weird that just mentioning that you are buying food could turn into a date, but it is surprisingly easy. All you have to do is text, “well, why don’t you join me”
There are NO Timeframes or Schedules to Follow!
There are plenty of websites and articles about how to flirt with a girl over text. Many of them recommend following a timeframe or schedule. For example, this website recommends waiting 45 minutes to text her again after the 3rd text. Another website recommends timing your texts to hers: if she takes 5 minutes to respond, then you take 5 minutes.
Um, seriously? This texting advice is as stupid as the outdated 3-day rule for calling a girl. The idea behind playing waiting games is that it will put her in suspense and make her think of you. But, if she is really into you (and you are text flirting effectively), then she will be thinking of you anyway. There is no need for stupid games. You just risk ruining any natural chemistry and sexual tension which has built up.
Another reason “experts” recommend playing waiting games with text is that it prevents you from seeming desperate or needy. But, unless you have no life whatsoever, there is probably no need for this.
Just follow a texting schedule which fits your life (you do have a full, interesting life, right?). That means you might text her during your work lunch break, sneak a text a couple hours later, and then text her in the night after you’ve gone to the gym and watched the game with the guys. With this approach, you will actually have something to text her as well!
Remember, she hopefully has a life too, so don’t be worried if she doesn’t respond right away or even until the next day.
Texting Tip: Text during the AM or PM
I don’t recommend sticking to a schedule but, by texting her in the morning or last evening, you will dominate her thoughts throughout the day or before she goes to sleep.
Spell Out Words and Try to Have Decent Grammar
Talk Talk Mobile recently did a study about phone etiquette when dating. The study found that some of the biggest turn offs for people were using acronyms like LOL, K, and G2G. The study also found that overuse of emoticons was a big turn off (one wink or smiley might be okay, but no more than this per message).
Acronyms and total disregard for grammar makes you seem immature. It also makes you seem lazy. If you actually like the girl, you can probably be bothered to type out a few more characters!
Unless you are in high school, then you should write out words. So, no more writing “qt” instead of “cutie.”
NEVER Send These Texts:
- Nude Pics: Aside from all the obvious privacy issues, most women aren’t turned on by nude pics of men. Even women shouldn’t be sending nude pics in most situations; some things are more fun when left to the imagination. If you don’t believe me, consider the fact that even Playboy leaves some clothes on their models to trigger your imagination.
- “How was your weekend?” These types of texts are too broad of questions to be answered by texts. Plus, they are too friendly and you won’t build any attraction or sexual tension.
- “Did you get my text?” Likewise, don’t send texts along the lines of “so…?” or just “?”. It shows that you are impatient and needy, and is a big turn off.
- “I heard you were out with ___ last night?” This sounds like an accusation. It also sounds like you are stalkerishly keeping tabs on her.
- Neggs: Neggs are a seduction trick which can work really well for picking up girls. However, you’ve got to be really careful about using them on text because you don’t have body language and other cues to make sure your message gets across. And she’ll have the message as evidence of your dickishness forever in the phone (until she deletes you completely, that is). As Attraction Wiki points out, “Make sure your teasing is coming from a place of genuine amiability and not manipulative angst. There’s a fine line between playful teasing and mean-spirited bullshit fueled by insecurity.”
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