If you lived during the Victorian period, you wouldn’t be allowed to speak to a woman, even after introduction. You’d have to present your card to her and the lady would choose who she wanted to escort her home – with a chaperone present, of course! If you lived in 17th century Wales, you’d give a girl you like a carved wooden “love spoon” to express your interest. In England, a suitor would give a girl he liked a pair of gloves. If she wore the gloves to church, it meant his proposal had been accepted.
While men in our society today might not have to worry about things like carving spoons for their love interests, the rules of dating can still seem pretty complicated. To make matters worse, the rules are changing all the time thanks to things like mobile dating, texting, and shifting social norms.
So, if you are confused by all the rules and advice on how to date a girl, you are not alone! Here, we will do our best to clear up the confusion about how to date a girl.
Phase 1: Finding the Right Girl
Here at PIOP, we’ve written a lot about how to meet women, how to pick up girls, and even have a free dating manual. So, we won’t rehash that info here. But I will say that there are some women you should NEVER date. Under ANY circumstances! These un-datable girls include:
- Your secretary
- Your friend’s sister (unless you don’t like that friend very much)
- Your friend’s ex (unless you really don’t like that friend!)
- Your ex girlfriend (an occasional booty call might be okay, but you can give up on dating once it’s over!)
- High-maintenance girls (no matter how hot she is, it isn’t worth it!)
- Strippers, hookers, and other “professionals”
- Girls way outside of your age bracket*
*Use this rule to tell if a girl is too young/old for you: Take the older age and divide it in half. Then add seven. This is the youngest the other person can be. So, if a guy is 30, then the youngest girl he can date is 22 (30 ÷ 2 + 7 = 22).
Phase 2: Arranging the Date
You like a girl and she’s expressed interest (this can be something as simple as making eye contact or handing over her phone number). Now it is time to ask her out on a date. Yes, I know there are all these new social norms about girls asking guys. But don’t be a dick and wait for her to call you. Ask her out! Girls like guys who take the initiative, aka have balls.
First, Find Out When She’s Free
You will significantly increase your chances of getting a “yes” if you ask her out at a time which is convenient for her. You also want to set the date up for a time when she will be in a good, relaxed mood. So, if you know that she has an important work meeting on Monday, don’t ask her out on Sunday. Ask her to go out on Tuesday instead when the stress of that meeting is over.
Always Be Specific About the Plans
If a girl is really desperate or has absolutely no plans, she might say yes when you ask, “Umm, you want to do something on Friday night?” But, assuming that the girl does have a life, she probably won’t be that excited about doing “something.”
When you ask a girl out, ALWAYS be specific about your ideas. For example,
“I heard that new movie is really good. Want to go see it with me on Friday and get a drink afterwards?”
A girl is a lot more likely to say yes to this sort of date request than generic plans to do “something.” She might even drop any other plans she’s made to go out with you!
- Don’t be afraid to ask her out on a weekday: There is less pressure to do something exciting these days, and also fewer crowds to distract you two.
- Avoid daytime dates: These dates can be difficult because there usually isn’t alcohol involved to act as social lubrication, and you are expected to talk more.
- Build her up for the date: Send some text messages beforehand saying things like, “Are you ready?”
Only Ask Her Out Once!
If a woman says no to a date, then don’t keep asking. It will just make you seem desperate – something no woman finds attractive.
A girl might say no to the date because she is busy, which is okay. But, if she is genuinely interested in you, she will make time to see you. If the reason she says no to the date is because she is busy, then she will respond by saying something affirmative, like “maybe next week instead?”
Phase 2: On the Date
Hopefully you are up on all your flirting techniques (download our free manual here) so you can build up sexual attraction and get her wanting more of you. But flirting will only take you so far. Here are some important dating rules to remember while you are out together:
Chivalry Isn’t Dead
Forget all that pickup artist BS which says that you should make a woman pay the bill and not to open the door for her. If you listen to that advice, you are a dick and don’t deserve a girl. So, act like a Medieval Knight and take care of your maiden.
- Open the door for her
- Take her hand to lead her through crowded places
- Compliment her appearance
- Give her your jacket if it’s cold out
- If there is a long walk, offer to drop her off before parking the car (especially if she’s worn heels for you!)
- Pull out her chair at the table
- When picking her up, always come to the door. Do NOT call her and tell her to come out!
- Pay the bill.
A note about paying the bill: There is a lot of controversy about this, and some women even insist on paying as a way of asserting their independence and so they won’t feel like they’ve been bought. But picking up the bill is still the gentlemanly thing to do. That doesn’t mean you need to be showy about it though! If she makes a move to pay the bill, simply put your hand over it and say something like, “I asked you out, so I will get it.”
NEVER Talk about Your Ex!
Probably the worst thing you can do on a date is talk about your ex girlfriend. For starters, this is a sign that you aren’t over her yet. Further, your ex girlfriend is probably a terrible topic for conversation since you’ll likely be saying all sorts of bad things. Your date is supposed to be an upbeat, fun moment with the two of you connecting and building sexual attraction. You can’t do that if you are talking about how crazy/needy/etc. your ex was.
Drop Subtle Clues about Your Date-ability
Most women agree to a date because they think you are a promising prospective mate/partner/husband. During the date, subtly drop clues about what a good catch you are. For example, mention that you’ve got a dog (you’re responsible), that you are hoping for a promotion next year (financially stable), and that you love playing with your brother’s kids (good daddy material).
Sleeping with Her
If you really like a girl and want to see her again, then I’d say you should NOT sleep with her after the first date. There are two reasons for this:
- It shows you are interested in her for more than just sex
- It will build up the sexual tension so she wants you even more
Depending on how open the girl is sexually, you might want to wait until 3 or 4 dates before you sleep with her. However, you shouldn’t wait too long to get into bed with a girl. Remember that women love sex just as much as men (maybe even more so!). If she is giving you all the signs that she is interested and you don’t make the move, she will think that there is something wrong with you, or that you don’t really find her attractive. This will seriously hurt a girl’s feelings and she might not feel comfortable around you anymore.
Phase 3: After the Date
Whether it is your first date or fifth, you should always (repeat, ALWAYS!) follow up after a date. Even if you don’t like a girl, you still need to follow up! Not only is this common courtesy, but it also could save you from a potentially embarrassing situation – like if you see the girl while you are trying to pick up another girl.
After your first date, it is a good rule to immediately follow up with a text message. Then you can call her the next day or in a few days to touch base. Don’t worry about those stupid rules which say you’ve got to wait X days before you call a girl. Just do what feels natural. If you really like her, you’ll probably want to call her the next day. If you hit it off but you aren’t completely sure, you might not feel inclined to call her again for a few days. Both situations are fine.
Oh, and don’t follow up with an email or Facebook message because they are too impersonal. A text message or call is the best move. If you really had a good time, you might even want to send her flowers!
Another thing to remember about the post-date follow up is not to bombard her with messages. This will make you seem clingy, needy, or even stalkerish. Contact her once or (maximum) twice. Then wait for her to contact you so the ball is back in your court.
Phase 4: Is It Exclusive?
So, you’ve been on a few dates, you two are hitting it off well, and you think she could be “the one.” It is time to determine whether you two are dating exclusively or not. Unfortunately, things aren’t as simple as it was in high school where we just asked “Do you want to be my girlfriend?”
Never Assume It’s Exclusive!
No matter how long you two have been dating, don’t assume that she is exclusively dating you. You’ll just feel like an ass when you find out she’s still hooking up with her ex from 2 years ago.
If you are really confident in how things are going, you can take the direct approach and simply ask her if she is still interested in seeing other people, or if she wants to be exclusive with you. If you aren’t so confident, then you might want to use some subtle methods to figure out what she thinks about your relationship.
- Ask her “So, what do you tell your friends about us?”
- Jokingly ask, “So, did you pick up any hot men in the bar last night?”
- Note how much time you are spending together and how much time she spends going out without you.
Remember, this is just to get clues about your relationship status! You should never fish for answers about your exclusivity, and you should definitely never make assumptions.
Once you have enough clues that she is interested in being exclusively with you, then man up and ask her! Tell her:
- “I want you to be MY girl. What do you think about that?”
- “I can’t continue seeing you unless I know I’m the only one you are seeing.”
- “I really like you and would like to be exclusive with you. I hope you feel the same about me?”
(Read our tips on how to ask a girl to be your girlfriend here)
Phase 5: Keep It Interesting
Now that you two are exclusively dating, you’ve got to be careful you don’t fall into the trap which gets many couples: boredom. Keep the lust, passion, and love growing by creating memories together, sharing new interests, and planning for the future.
If you feel like your relationship is waning, you might want to try these helpful programs: