If you’re in a relationship or married for a while, you probably said things like, “Why can’t she just understand how irrational she’s being?”, “How could she do that to me?”, “Why can’t she just tell me what she wants?” and so on and so forth. Statements like these are pretty common, and they’re good indicators of the typical mistakes most men make. Let’s make one thing very clear: Your wife or girlfriend is not your equal and expecting her to be your equal will only make your relationship miserable.
So, what’s wrong with asking your partner to be as your “equal”?
First, let’s clear up a common concern. We’re in no way talking about equality. There is nothing debatable about the equality of any two individuals. The thing is a woman’s personal experience at every phase of her growth is different than a man. Her social, societal priorities and parental values are different. There is no disagreement that men and women are equal, but they are not the same. Equalness and sameness aren’t synonymous. Women are different in the way they process facts, thoughts or emotions.
If you’re looking to developing a romantic relationship with a woman, the only logical approach you’re left is to understand her. But instead, most men make the mistake of opting to either compete with her or fix her. Often when we find a frustrated man who can’t connect with his girlfriend or wife, in most cases we find he’s trying to resolve the issue using his own perspective. He decides to discard everything his partner says or does, and tries his own views of how people should work. He believes she should be different, see things his way, and also react to things a certain way that he likes. And we all know subsequently what happens when we force people to say or act in a certain way.
If this is how a man treats his spouse, you’ll face some significant problems in your relationship. If you try to make someone accountable to be something they aren’t, not only will they resist any change, they’ll also move away from us. To these people, the implied pressure of unrealistic expectations, judgment, and disappointment is simply too much for them to bear. And the only way they can find relief is by distancing themselves from you. For most guys, this distancing act feels like anger, resentment, detachment, coldness, and disrespect. By continuing imposing your rules on your significant other on how she should view the world, how she should feel for you, and how should she think and express her feelings, you’ll only create more emotional disruption and emotional distance in your relationship or marriage. Sometimes, the emotional pain becomes so overwhelming that it can be registered as physical pain. Later, the feelings of shame, desperation, anger, and resentment sets in. Nothing good will come from here.
So, what’s the solution?
When you’re married or in a relationship and want your partner to be your “equal,” first you need realize that what are you doing and why. Then you need to change your perspective. You’ve had to accept that your girlfriend or wife is not the same as you are and never will be. You need to address your insecurities and achieve the required emotional maturity, and intellectual clarity. Learn to accept others for who they are without changing them or winning an argument.