Can you remember the first time you fell in love with someone? How did you feel then? What were your thoughts about you being in a romantic relationship? What was your reaction? Were you different than or were you different now? You probably would say that you have put 100% into the relationship, but she cheated on me or left me for someone else, or tell that my girlfriend never loved me or she just used me, and so on. You see most people usually find their first real relationships in their 20s with a need for deep connection, attachment, emotions, belongings, and ownership. During that age, people also experience intense breakups, attachments, being cheated on, feel remorseful for losing the person they loved the most and looking for a relationship with “the one” that will make their life happy.
We need to be aware of ourselves, how we think, behave, act, feel, and the impact it can have in our lives and to people around us. Why? Because it’s important for us to move forward and have happy and healthy relationships. Below are some questions that will help to explore your past relationship. Finding answers to these questions will help you to gain clarity, openness, and healing of your previous relationships.
1. What are your thoughts on your partner and the relationship?
2. What are your feelings of your partner and the relationship?
3. How did you act and behave throughout your relationship?
4. How did your approach of thinking, feeling and behaving impact your relationship?
5. How did you conclude your partner’s thoughts and feelings about you?
6. What are your observations about your partner’s behavior towards you throughout the relationship?
7. What are your observations about your partner’s behavior towards you throughout the relationship affect you?
8. What did you think of yourself when you were beside your partner?
9. What did you feel when you were beside your partner?
10. How did you behave when you were beside your partner?
11. In what ways of thinking, feeling and behaving towards having an impact in your relationship?
Now, take a close look at how much you have changed in every relationship, which skills you have now are workable and nurtured, and which skills that you should still learn. You can notice a pattern here and will realize that most of these expectations, patterns, thoughts, behaviors, and emotions are similar to the ones your parents have and the relationship they had with you and themselves. You will also see that the current relationship you have is a reaction to your parents' relationship and your previous relationships.
Once you have put some serious thoughts into this, visualize what a healthy and happy relationship looks like by taking hints from healthy relationships that are out there. List who you want to be, what are things that you value the most, what are the things you choose to think, to feel and behave. After doing that, try living it in your relationship every day. Take ownership of who you are in your relationship and do want it takes to create the result of this relationship.